


Converging Trajectories

by trilliath



Series: Priority: Happily Ever After [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Battlefield Blow Job, EDI unintentionally cockblocking, Garrus unintentionally cockblocking, Kaidan getting suspicious, Love, M/M, Shepard being awkward, That which we fight for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2017-11-08 12:08:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/443041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trilliath/pseuds/trilliath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Shepard wonders something <i>else</i>,<br/>Kaidan worries too much,</p><p>And various other things happen in the span of time between I Was Wondering... and Priority: Happily Ever After<br/>... if you catch my drift ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Lager

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even if you don't want to go to the start of the series (the first story Hoodie is sweet but unimportant storyline-wise), I do reccommend you read "I Was Wondering" since this story references it in a few places. It's also my favorite story I've written haha, so you should read it <3.

It started with the presents.

 

First it was a case of Canadian Lager waiting on the side-table next to their bed.  
When asked about it, Shepard had just shrugged and said Steve had gotten lucky and Shepard thought he might like it. He'd proceeded to get oddly hesitant and then made up an excuse that he had to talk to Liara about something, leaving a confused Kaidan to stare at the door and then the beer he wasn’t going to open till Shepard would be there to share it with him. 

 

He'd sat in one of the armchairs, working on - or rather pretending to work on a Spectre report, gazing frequently at the case in narrowed appraisal. He wanted to believe it was a good thing, but… Shepard didn't give gifts. Not the light, simple, "I was thinking about you" kinds of gifts. _What if…_  
But Kaidan didn't want to think about the alternatives. He'd just have to wait and see. It wasn't like Shepard ever did what he expected anyway.

 

When Shepard finally returned, Kaidan didn't miss the extremely brief and faintly hurt expression at the sight of the untouched case, and the studiously neutral countenance that replaced it as Shepard turned to offer his lover a quick kiss before moving pick up a datapad from the coffee table.  
And wasn't that interesting? It _was_ a good thing, a simple thing, after all. A bit of the tension he'd been pretending not to have faded, and Kaidan pursed his lips in play annoyance, tossing the barely-touched report aside. Striding over and popping the case open, he lifted a pair of bottles, admonishing Shepard that it was _about time_ he showed up, because Kaidan was dying to crack them open. The relieved grin he'd gotten in return was almost enticing enough to distract him from the rich flavor at his lips.

Almost.  
It was damn good beer.


	2. Hahne-Kedar

One day a week or two later when Kaidan came up to their cabin, the first thing he noticed was the long slim crate on his side of the bed. He cast a narrow glance at it, but promptly looked for the thing he was most interested in; John.  
Shepard was sitting at his desk, reading intel reports or some such thing, but he looked up when Kaidan entered and favored him with a smile.  
Kaidan walked over and rested broad hands on his tense shoulders, kneading them slowly. He kissed the top of Shepard's head as he rolled his hands in firm strokes.

"I got you a present," Shepard said smiling broadly at him over his shoulder as he leaned into Kaidan's strong hands.

"Oh yeah? Did I have another birthday again that I forgot about?" he asked, pursing his lips as he dug in with the heel of his hand on a big knot below his shoulder.

Shepard made a noncommittal sound and flicked an unreadable glance at him. "Open it." 

So Kaidan relinquished his grip on his lover, albeit hesitantly, walking over to the case on the bed. Shepard followed him. 

"Seriously?" Kaidan asked, raising an eyebrow when he realized it was an armor locker from Hahne-Kedar tech. He cracked the seal, opening the case to look down at blue greaves with black colored insets.

"I just thought you might appreciate them," Shepard said, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall near the fishtank.

"You got me greaves?" Kaidan asked, surprised as he tilted his head to examine them with a raised eyebrow. "Why?" 

Shepard shrugged. "Well you did mention how you wished you had more freedom to move the other day. I know the armor you've got was designed for direct assaults more than a lot of the urban rubble we've been fighting in lately."

"Yeah, but-," Kaidan said, turning the armor over in his hands. He glanced up, saw Shepard's face, and realized he was being an ass. "I was just surprised," he amended quickly, "Here, let me try them on," he said, smiling at John.  
Shepard relaxed a little and moved away slightly to look at the fish.

Kaidan stripped off his boots and trousers, setting them aside quickly and then he lifted the new armor. It was not made of many separate solid plates like his usual leg armor, but a more continuous piece of pliant composite material spotted with various linked capacitors and smaller plates in key locations. 

Well, most of the key locations, Kaidan thought as he tugged the thick material over the curve of his backside. There was no plate for his bum, just the high-tech polymer weave of damage-resistant material. It would be a hell of a lot more comfortable, probably. He shook his legs out a little, hopping up and down, then dropping into a quick crouch. Yeah, definitely more comfortable. So he said so, "John, these are nice." 

"Yeah?" John looked back at him with a pleased smile.

"So, how do they look?" Kaidan asked, turning and twisting slightly to try to look himself over.

John's smile turned lascivious in response. He walked over, reaching for Kaidan's shirt, "Can't see properly, better take this off," he said, making quick work of the fastenings.

Kaidan sent him a sardonic look, but smiled with a slow and sensual quirk as Shepard's broad rough hands slipped over his skin baring his chest and tugging the shirt to the floor.

John stepped back and looked him over with a pleased smile.

Kaidan lifted his hands slightly and turned so Shepard could get the full view. "So Shepard, meet your expectations?" he teased.

"Blowing them out of the water, as usual Kaidan," Shepard said, smirking at him. 

Giving him a playful nudge on the arm, he moved past John and trotted up the steps to the bathroom where he could get the mirror's image.

He looked back over his shoulder at his butt. He laughed when he saw his ass in the mirror, the tight black material plastered to its curve, showing it to _significant advantage_ as the phrase went.

"Seriously, Shepard?" he called back to his lover. 

John came up to the bathroom looking sheepish, knowing he'd been caught.

Kaidan grinned at him.  
"Ok, but promise me you'll at least _try_ not to order me to point position so much it gets me killed while you're busy staring at my ass." 

"Cross my heart," he said quietly.  
Kaidan stopped looking in the mirror then and looked over at him. There was no teasing left in his gaze, only the soft shapes of love.

And, to Kaidan's intense pleasure, it wasn't a new thing, loving Shepard, and Shepard loving him right back. And at the same time, it was. Things were different between them now. Shepard didn't do gifts, but that lager and these greaves were clear signs of the fact that their relationship wasn't a static thing. 

He wasn't sure he wanted things to change. Not that he didn't like presents. But… changes were risky. And cowardly or not, he wasn't sure he wanted there to be any more risk in his life. Not with… well.

But if he was honest with himself, things had already changed. And it hadn't started with the presents. It had started one otherwise unremarkable night not so long ago when John had shyly said "I was wondering about something," working up the courage to open himself to Kaidan in a way he never had before.

Sure, it had resulted in unbelievably intimate and satisfying sex.

But what had really changed was the way Shepard was letting Kaidan see his scars, his uncertainties a little bit more. The way he asked for opinions even more frequently than in the past. Oh he had always listened when Kaidan had something to say, face serious and eyes attentive, like every word Kaidan said was important. But now…  
Now he felt like Shepard saw him as something different.  
A partner.

And Kaidan had been changed by that night too. He had realized that Shepard _needed_ him to be a partner, not just to support him. Kaidan had always done little things to support Shepard, taking him meals, doing his spectre reports along with his own. But now he understood that there was more to his role as Shepard's lover, that he needed Kaidan to question him, to ask for things Kaidan wanted, to take the lead sometimes between them. 

It felt good, too, he thought with a smirk as he grabbed John by the hips and moved in close so his body was pressed against him. He walked them slowly back out of the bathroom and pushed Shepard back against his desk.  
Shepard looked back at him, grinning. Relaxed in the capable hands of his lover. Maybe change wasn't so bad, not this time.

"But Shepard, I think we better break them in a little - you know, before field testing them," Kaidan said, voice low and husky as he rubbed his armor-plated crotch against Shepard rather blatantly. Shepard's hands came up reflexively to grip his ass, grinning as his hands played over the new supple material.

"I don't think it would be a good idea to just go out into the field like this," he murmured, gliding his hands down over hard planes of muscle to grip a handful of Shepard's backside in return. 

"At least not without being sure that I can bend you over and fuck you senseless," he added nonchalantly, looking at Shepard from under thick lashes as he angled his head forward to murmur in his ear. "You know, in case we get stuck somewhere on a mission and run out of other tactics to employ."

"I think you make an excellent point Major," Shepard said, grinning against his ear where he placed a kiss.

It was still something that was relatively new for them, Kaidan topping, but it was fast becoming a favorite in their repertoire. He made a low sound of anticipatory pleasure in his throat as he groped Shepard's backside again, dipping his head to kiss and then nip at the line of John's jaw.

But just as Kaidan was unsnapping the plate over his crotch, EDI's voice rang out in the room.  
"Commander, Major, we have just received intel about an urgent matter which requires your immediate attention."

Kaidan leaned back with a groan, snapping the plate back into place. 

"We have laid in a course anticipating your decision," EDI continued, "but we will need your approval before going further."

"Understood, EDI, thank you," Shepard said, casting one more rueful glance at his lover before stepping away. 

"You may have to settle for a field test after all," he said, grinning as he reached back to grope Kaidan's ass.

"I'm pretty sure 'settling' is never the appropriate word where you're concerned, John," Kaidan said with a low laugh as he headed for his discarded uniform.

He didn't get a laugh for his efforts, as he'd expected. But the pleased smile Shepard sent over his shoulder as he exited the cabin sent funny feelings through his chest.


	3. If you ain't marchin'

After the last hour or so of intense firefight, the sudden idleness was an odd sensation. They were waiting for Garrus to get in position. It was going to be a while, since the sniper had to backtrack a good ways in order to access the skyway that would allow him to get the necessary vantage on the enemy.  
Garrus was patient, as a sniper had to be.

Shepard, on the other hand, was antsy.

Kaidan could tell that he desperately wanted to charge into the fray, flinging himself biotically from enemy to enemy. And he didn't blame him. Kaidan certainly felt the urge, the residual battle-lust from the earlier skirmishes bubbling just under the surface.   
He also knew, as did Shepard, that it was not going to happen. Not Shepard's usual way at least. The terrain was too tight, the enemy too bunkered and turreted, too formidable in number. Oh, it wasn't enough to actually worry any of them. They would deal with these Cerberus flunkies as easily as any before. It just required a good angle, and a little patience.

The pair of them were holed-up in an abandoned office building, replete with broken terminals and toppled furniture. Kaidan sighed and eased himself onto the edge of a desk that was mostly hidden from the entrance but still gave him line of sight.

"Come here," he said quietly.

Shepard turned those sharp blue eyes on him, then glanced at the door once more before complying with his lover's request. He flicked a raised eyebrow at Kaidan and settled his rifle in the crook of one arm against his hip pointing vaguely in the direction of the door, ready to fire at a moment's notice.

But he came, stepping up between Kaidan's spread knees and resting his free hand on his thigh, smiling at him. It was these moments, these casual intimacies that never failed to send a spike of awed appreciation through Kaidan's chest. That they were together. That they were _good_ together.

Yeah. It felt good. And that wasn't even counting the lust. He had a serious case of _want_ what with Shepard standing between his thighs, looking at him with those sparking blue eyes, smelling faintly of spent rounds and sweat and looking lithe and deadly in his armor.

As though he could hear his thoughts, Shepard smirked at him, and then darted his head forward to kiss Kaidan briefly and firmly on the mouth.   
"So," he began, glancing significantly down at Kaidan's lower-half clad in the new Hahne-Kedar armor. "They working for you?"

"They're great," he said seriously, but then let a flirty grin slip onto his face as he leaned back slightly on his hands. "Still need some additional field testing though," he said, letting his voice get a little low and a little soft in a way he knew would catch Shepard's attention. 

Not that he needed to, since it was already clearly his. But it was worth it for the way Shepard looked at him for a moment, mouth ever so slightly ajar on the hint of a smile, one brow raising slowly.   
"Break 'em in," Shepard said, adding to the entendre, hand sliding slowly up the plate on Kaidan's thigh towards his hip. 

"Hhm," Kaidan replied from low in his throat, keeping eye-contact though he let his eyelids get a little heavy and his mouth twist even more as he added, "Something like that." 

Shepard turned that over in his head a moment, then abruptly lifted a hand to touch his com and make a party-wide link. _"Garrus, what's your 20?"_

 _"I'll be there in another five_ came the faintly breathy and staticky reply.

Shepard heaved a sigh and cast a rueful glance at Kaidan. So much for that idea. Kaidan just pursed his lips on a faint smile and leaned forward again to place his own kiss at the corner of Shepard's mouth before checking the clip on his pistol and the spares on his hip and thigh ammo-pouches out of habit.

It was a habit Shepard shared, hand slipping back from Kaidan's thigh to follow a similar path of verification in anticipation of the upcoming firefight. Unnecessary, strictly speaking, for both of them since they'd each done it when they entered the building and settled in to wait. But necessary all the same. Task complete, his hand resumed its position on Kaidan's thigh.   
Shepard transferred his gaze back to the door for a little bit, and Kaidan just looked at him, studied his face. The tiny freckles you couldn't see except up real close. The little scar in his hairline that he'd lost… then replaced, and the thin one beside his chin Kaidan had been there for. The faint edge of stubble on his jaw. The bony edge of the bridge of his nose. The way his eyelashes curled more than you'd expect.

These moments were rare, when he could get Shepard to sit still long enough to just look at him. It made the details feel like they belonged to Kaidan and Shepard. Not everyone who saw the vids of the first two human Spectres, or the hundreds of people they came across in their missions. Just them. 

When Shepard looked back at Kaidan his face shifted into something unfathomable and Kaidan wondered what Shepard was seeing on his own face after gazing so intently at him. But he knew what he wanted Shepard to see. So Kaidan smiled, that light, slight twist of his lips and curve of muscles around his eyes that was reserved for people special to him.   
He watched Shepard's eyes dart back and forth over his features, looking at him perhaps as intently as Kaidan had him. Yet it was different. Like he was looking for an answer. For months now they'd been so in sync that they'd been able to forego words and exchange intents and even thoughts with just a look.   
But something was guarded about Shepard's face. Or maybe Kaidan's. Whichever it was, suddenly he knew they weren't on the same wavelength anymore.

He watched Shepard's eyes dip to the curve of his mouth, then lift to lock with his. And for a little while, time stopped. They were motionless, and the world around them was steady. But Shepard wasn't smiling. And then John drew a deep breath, nostrils flaring slightly on the inhale, and lips parting on the heavy exhale as the muscles in his neck tightened and he looked down at Kaidan's hand where it lay next to his own on Kaidan's leg and ran his thumb over one of the armor-plated digits.

"Kaidan," he said, voice low and hesitant.

The bottom dropped out of Kaidan's stomach on the edge of that uncertainty. He damned change. But he'd known for weeks now that something was different for Shepard. Something Kaidan hadn't quite caught up to, and he couldn't tell what it meant.

 _"Damnit,"_ Garrus's voice crackled into their coms, bringing up Shepard's gaze sharply. But they relaxed when they heard Garrus sigh. _"Guys, vantage alpha is gonna be a no-go."_

 _"Understood,"_ Shepard replied, rocking back on his heels slightly, voice and face all business again as he considered the situation. _"Got any options?"_

_"Yeah. Looks like if I climb back down I should be able to reach the emergency stairwell on the next building and get to the roof. From up here I can tell there're no missing sections in that one. Twenty, give or take a couple."_

_"You gettin' old or something, Vakarian?"_ Shepard ribbed.

_"No more than you. You and Alenko enjoying your little nap?"_

Shepard laughed, glancing at Kaidan to share his amusement.   
_"Absolutely. Just wake us up when you're done playing pyjak."_

And then that mischievous grin was back on Shepard's face. "I guess we have a little time after all," he said, voice light and enticing as he inched closer between Kaidan's spread thighs again. 

And yet Kaidan was still thinking about his name, spoken in that tentative voice as a prelude to something that was most definitely _something_. But whatever it was Shepard had been about to say was tucked away somewhere Kaidan couldn't reach.

Shepard cast a confirming glance at Kaidan's pistol lined up with the door, then stowed his rifle on his back in a smooth motion. Then, moving with his characteristic swift intent, he lifted both hands to grip Kaidan's face and tilted his head to slant his mouth roughly over Kaidan's. And despite whatever else he felt in the background, Kaidan _wanted_ Shepard, and responded with considerable heat.   
He didn't even try to stifle the moan that welled up in his throat as Shepard crushed their lips together, letting his mouth open to meet Shepard's questing tongue, sucking it into his mouth and sliding his own over it. Slipping his free hand up to Shepard's waist he pulled him tighter into him. Shepard's fingers were sharp with the edges of the polymer of his armor as they scraped through Kaidan's hair, but gentle wasn't what either of them wanted - Shepard, for his mysterious reasons, and Kaidan, for wanting the distraction to avoid thinking about Shepard and his secrets.

"Hey," Shepard began when he finally lifted his lips a millimeter from Kaidan's, shared breath hot between them. "D'you remember, couple months ago I mentioned-,"

"Battlefield blow job?" Kaidan interjected, pressing forward to nip sharply at Shepard's lip.

"Uh-huh," Shepard responded breathily over his captured lip. 

Kaidan loosed his hold and licked the dent in Shepard's lip his teeth had left. Raising his eyebrows, he looked up into John's heavy-lidded eyes. "How could I forget?" Kaidan replied and laughed faintly as he recalled, with pleasure, the instance Shepard was referring to, and the unexpected yet exciting fantasy Shepard had described in response to Kaidan's query.   
But he could tell Shepard's words weren't idle, not with that reckless gleam in his eye.  
He cast a considering glance at the still-empty doorway. He could have a barrier up in a fraction of a second. They could hit cover and fully return fire in under 5 seconds. It was still an idiotic risk. 

"So?" Shepard asked, eyes electric and hot and excited. 

"You got it, Shepard," Kaidan murmured. As if there had ever been any doubt. 

Shepard's grin was triumphant and he bent his head to Kaidan's again with even more alacrity. His hands weren't wasting the opportunity generated by Garrus's bad luck. Within seconds he had the seal on Kaidan's pelvic plate loosed and seam of the pliant material beneath it dragged open. Kaidan bit down harder on Shepard's lip as the rough material on the commander's hands scraped along his half-hard length, deftly freeing it from the confines of his under-suit. John made a low sound of lust in the back of his throat as Kaidan's teeth relinquished their hold on his lip. He chased after Kaidan's mouth with an almost bruising fierceness, then tipped his head sideways to nip at the curve of Kaidan's jaw as he curled his fingers around Kaidan's cock. He tugged with a firm stroke that had Kaidan sucking in a sharp breath and tipping his head back. Despite the sharpness of the friction he was, as usual, hardening easily in response to Shepard's touch.

Shepard knelt swiftly then, propping one knee up against the desk for leverage should he need to make a quick dive for cover. He nosed up under Kaidan's cock, brushing it with only the faintest touch of lips. He looked up at Kaidan with those bright blue eyes and teased him with the hot whisper of breath over his erection. Kaidan's breath hitched as he resisted the urge to holster his pistol and drag Shepard closer. He forced himself to cast another quick glance at the door, and while he was distracted, Shepard made his move. 

"Fuck," he cursed as Shepard's mouth enveloped the head of his cock, causing his hips to jerk involuntarily as surprise supplanted his control. The faint pink lines where Shepard's armor had scraped his skin tingled as Shepard slid his mouth along his length, hot saliva almost stinging. 

The sharp contrast of the cool air against his bared cock while the rest of him was encased in his armor was strangely exhilarating. And the fact that his adrenaline was still high from the last hour's fighting. The juxtaposition of the threat of death and life's most passionate act of defiance to it was dizzying. As Shepard wrapped his lips around him, using his tongue to trace the dip in the underside of his cock Kaidan moaned again, clutching the edge of the desk for balance with his free hand. 

Then Shepard was loosening his jaw and plunging down till his nose brushed against the armored plates over Kaidan's abdomen. The position and the armor kept Shepard from taking him more than half way. But somehow, perhaps just by the sheer novelty of the location, it was as pleasurable as if Shepard were covering every inch of his length in the soft heat of his mouth. The rate at which Shepard was building the pressure, alternating hard suction with velvety tonguing was pushing Kaidan up rough and fast. When Shepard pressed his lips tight and sucked hard, Kaidan's heel kicked against the desk in an involuntary twitch.

As Shepard's mouth rocked more swiftly over him, Kaidan was panting before long, harsh breath echoing in the abandoned room. Shepard was only spurred on by the sound pushing him closer and closer to the edge. The butt of Kaidan's pistol scratched in a metallic groan against the desk where it was propped when his body tightened in anticipation of his orgasm. Shepard groaned around his cock, sucking for everything he was worth. Kaidan threw back his head on a breathy gasp and let himself go, spilling into Shepard's waiting throat.

They both savored the moment for a few seconds, Shepard licking gently over his length and Kaidan's breath gradually slowing. Then Shepard grinned and eased back and Kaidan tucked himself away with efficient motions. Shepard handed him his pelvic plate and he snapped it back into place, sharing Shepard's pleased smirk. Then he leaned down to kiss John briefly but firmly.

Though they were confident about the outcome of this fight, it was an undeniable fact that either of them could end up dead in the next half hour. Or any hour of any day, the rate things were going in the galaxy. Kaidan was glad that they didn't let these chances pass them by. He would hate it if he lived to regret missed opportunities. 

John looked up at him assessingly and gnawed on his lower lip for a moment before drawing breath to speak.

 _"I'm almost in position. Advance to target,"_ Garrus's voice crackled in their ears.

Though Shepard huffed out a frustrated breath that was matched by the pursing of Kaidan's lips, he reached up to touch his comm for a prompt reply of _"Affirmative,"_

And then Shepard was standing and Kaidan slipping off the desk, checking his clip again as he moved towards the door, Shepard close behind him. He brought up his biotic barrier with a faint pop-thrumm that was matched moments later by Shepard's.

Without even needing to say it they stacked next to the door opening - one of the most dangerous places to be as it highlighted you for an enemy and made even the sloppiest grunt deadly accurate, taking a breath to scan the route ahead.

"Ready?" Shepard asked.

"I love you," Kaidan said, glancing back through the faint blue-purple ripples that encased them both to meet Shepard's lit-sapphire eyes. 

Shepard's face was unfathomable.

 

Kaidan slipped through the door.


	4. Frequency and Amplitude

Kaidan was sitting against the headboard, datapad in his hands, trying to read - had his glasses on and everything. But he was failing miserably. Hadn't even scrolled down for the last ten minutes.  
Something was bothering him, and it didn't require any particularly special self-insight to know what. Before coming up to the cabin, when he'd gone for a cup of tea after several long hours in the war room. But on his way he'd seen Shepard in the med-bay talking to Dr. Chakwas.

That in and of itself was nothing remarkable. Shepard often prowled the ship, getting verbal reports instead of digital ones. It was a tactic he used for checking personally on every member of the crew. It was a leadership strategy that kept the Normandy cohesive, and morale high even in the toughest times. Plus Shepard thought best on his feet, not standing in the war room staring at the data for hours on end.

What bothered him was the serious expression he'd glimpsed on Shepard's face, and the way that Shepard was sitting up on one of the examination tables, settled in for a long talk. It wasn't the usual swing by for a chat, or even their traditional glass of brandy.  
Whatever it was, Shepard wasn't talking to _him_ about it yet, and watching felt like an invasion of privacy. He was generally a patient person. Shepard would tell him when he was ready. So Kaidan had turned on his heel and skipped the tea.

It had seems like a good move at the time, giving Shepard his space. But a nagging little voice in the back of his head was saying that with the state of things in galaxy, patience wasn't exactly the virtue it used to be. He tried not to let it get to him, but that wasn't a battle he was about to win.  
Because this relationship was… yeah. It was the sort of thing that changed everything. 

And it wasn't just that serious conversation he'd been on the outside of. Kaidan was starting to get the feeling that Shepard was avoiding him. Well, maybe _avoiding_ wasn't quite the right word, considering that they saw each other almost constantly. Sharing the cabin as they did and working together on the state of the galaxy often kept them in the same room. 

Yet when they were alone together, there was… well when they spoke, it seemed like it was almost always about the war, or light, teasing things like ship scuttlebutt or the latest weapon mods. Like Shepard was stalling for time.  
Or perhaps, and this was something Kaidan definitely didn't _want_ to consider but his inner devil's advocate insisted on presenting, it was the two of them that was stalling. 

As was his nature, Kaidan considered that painful thought carefully.  
It didn't hold any water, he decided. Kaidan knew his feelings hadn't waned. If anything his emotions about their relationship grew deeper and more permanent by the day. And ever since that night a couple months ago Shepard had been... Well, despite their insubstantial conversation topics and Shepard's face being more unfathomable, those conversations held a sort of tension. Sometimes, though it was quickly replaced by a more lighthearted expression, Kaidan would catch Shepard looking at him in a way that meant _something_. 

And it wasn't as though they weren't being physically intimate - in fact, just the opposite was true. Shepard was taking every opportunity to get him naked. Or much of the time, while they were hardly more than half-naked, rushing and desperate to get him off. And one time, even, with Kaidan fully clothed, Shepard so hot and intent that he'd teased Kaidan over the edge right through his trousers where they stood around the corner of the comm room just barely hidden from the occupants of the war-room. 

Kaidan's thoughts were interrupted when Shepard entered their cabin, eyes seeking out his lover unerringly, a broad grin spreading across his face. 

"Damn Major," he said, trotting down the steps and striding towards Kaidan. "You look sexy as hell with glasses."

Kaidan sent him a bemused smile and raised an eyebrow over the frame of his reading glasses. No, sex wasn't their problem at all. He just… he wanted to be back on the same wavelength with John. He wanted these little niggling feelings that he was missing something to go away. So he tried to push them aside and focus on the anticipatory gleam in Shepard's eyes as they looked him over.

"Two birds, one stone," Kaidan replied with a faint smirk.

John grinned and stripped off his shirt as he neared, tossing it at the closet. He paused just long enough to kick off his boots and then neared where Kaidan reclined on his side of the bed. Kaidan set the datapad on the side table and gazed up at his lover appreciatively as Shepard undid the clasp of his trousers and shucked the fabric off over his hips.  
Naked, he climbed up onto the bed, stretching himself over Kaidan's fully-clothed form. He tipped his head up to seek Kaidan's mouth and kissed him, hard. The bridge of his nose bumped the lower rim of Kaidan's reading glasses and Kaidan chuckled, reaching up to take them off.

"Leave them on?" Shepard asked.

They weren't strong lenses at all. If he'd needed corrective lenses he'd have had his eyes fixed long ago. The main reason he even wore them was for the anti-glare and polarizing properties. Just a little help to ease his tired eyes after a long day. Shepard was looking at them with a lascivious gleam in his eyes. Kaidan wasn't sure he understood the appeal, but...  
He let them fall back into place.

Shepard's pleased look at his acquiescence made it well worth it. And then Shepard was kissing him again, and pulling his body tight, wrapping a strong thigh around an equally firm one beneath it. And before Kaidan could even catch his breath, Shepard's hands were dragging his shirt from his trousers and tugging it open.  
He could feel Shepard's erection pressing hard against his thigh as Shepard ground his body over him, kissing him hungrily. The last snap of Kaidan's shirt came free and with the golden skin of his chest now bared, Shepard's hand moved on quickly, sliding lower, teasing towards the stirrings of a matching hardening in Kaidan's groin. 

Shepard's teeth found one of his nipples, scraping hard enough to have Kaidan sucking in a sharp breath of discomfort. Before he could do anything in response, either to chase his favorite places on John's body to help rev himself up, or to take a little initiative to signal Shepard to slow down a little, the clasp of Kaidan's trousers was impatiently jerked open and his sex fondled roughly. Teeth nipped at his other nipple. Fingers slipped into the band of his briefs and tugged it over his cock and down under his balls leaving him exposed for Shepard's touch. It should have been exciting.  
He couldn't catch up. Shepard was hot and fervent like he was still high on the adrenaline rush from a dangerous fight like the one a few days ago. Pushing as though desperate to prove they were alive.

And instead of having its desired effect of ramping up Kaidan's arousal, it had another juxtaposition popping unbidden into Kaidan's mind. Shepard sitting in the med-bay with that serious look on his face. What if all this sexual passion was a response to Shepard facing down his mortality? What if he was dying? Would he tell Kaidan? Suddenly Kaidan wasn't certain at all.

Kaidan grunted in discomfort as Shepard's hand twisted over him again, trying harder to stimulate him. He grew softer still, losing the last vestiges of any erection Shepard had been driving him towards. Before the motion could be repeated, he reached down and gripped Shepard's wrist, setting his hand gently but firmly away from his groin.

Nobody could ever accuse Shepard of being slow to catch on. Abruptly he sat back, his hand enervated. Kaidan heaved a tight and somewhat embarrassed breath and pursed his lips into some semblance of a smile.  
Shepard started to say something then frowned, shoulders canted down as he studied Kaidan's face.

"Look, John, maybe I'm just tired," Kaidan said on a gentle sigh.

But that had Shepard's eyes sharpening. "Tired?" he repeated tonelessly. And Kaidan had to admit it sounded pretty damn lame. When in the last few months _hadn't _they been tired? When had that ever kept him from taking full advantage of Shepard's offerings, or from giving as good as he got?__

Shepard looked away and then seemed to settle himself a bit. When he looked back he'd put a teasing leer on his face, saying in a low voice, "Have I been wearing you out Alenko?"

It rubbed Kaidan the wrong way. "Something like that," he said before he could stop himself.  
It was true they'd barely been doing anything _but_ having sex in their rare off hours. As much as he was thoroughly enjoying it, that was part of what was making him feel off balance. Still, he hadn't wanted to bring it up. To give himself something other to do than keep prodding Shepard he jerked off his glasses and shoved them onto the bedside table, trying, and failing, to keep his motions gentle. 

But when he looked back, the dismay that crossed Shepard's features had Kaidan scrambling to explain.  
"I'm not complaining. Really, I'm not," he said honestly. 

Shepard studied his face, and seeing the truth there his expression grew somewhat relieved - but then his frown returned. "Ok, so…,"

"I'm just... a little tense I guess," Kaidan said lamely. 

But Shepard frowned, like he knew it for the bullshit half-truth it was. His voice was taut when he said, "You really think that's gonna fly here, Kaidan?"

That, and the fact that such BS was the very thing he was upset Shepard was possibly giving _him_ had Kaidan sighing and admitting, "Ok, and yeah, some of that has to do with us. I di-," 

The dismay returned. "What's wrong with us?" Shepard demanded, interrupting before Kaidan could finish his thought.

"You tell me," Kaidan replied sharply, unable to keep the edge out of his voice. And _damnit_ , he'd told himself he _wasn't going to push_. But the words had been said and there was nothing he could do about it now.

Shepard stared at him for a long moment before replying.  
"Nothing," he said, leaning forward intently.

And foolishly, it hurt - and pissed him off. Because while it was exactly what he _wanted_ Shepard to be saying... he couldn't escape the feeling that it wasn't really true - not that Shepard was lying to him. He wasn't. Kaidan was certain of that.  
But he couldn't bring himself to let it go because if he forced himself to put a smile on his face and laugh it off as nothing, part of him was terrified that what he would really be letting go of was the intimacy and deep truth between them. Except that with the way his mouth was running off tonight, he was losing his hold on it anyway.  
His thoughts were in chaos, and by the way Shepard's eyebrows were drawing together, he was seeing plenty on Kaidan's face. He scrubbed a hand over his features in frustration with himself and the anger that he knew wasn't justified. 

"Kaidan," Shepard said, voice deadly quiet.

Kaidan pursed his lips, looking at John's shoulder instead of his face. He didn't reply. He couldn't trust his mouth not to make things worse at the moment. He desperately needed to get a handle on his thoughts. He reached down to pull the waistband of his briefs back where they were designed to sit, then pulled his trousers closed, fastening them firmly at his waist. What he ought to do was just tell Shepard what he was thinking. To ask calmly if there was something they needed to talk about, and to ask Shepard to tell him if there was anything going on. 

"Kaidan."

But not now. Not with the way his emotions were crashing about in his head. He slid his legs off the bed and got up. And with Shepard looking at him like that, the doubts and worries and frustration poking and prodding him, clamoring to be heard. He didn't want them. Didn't want any of it, and he especially didn't want to give the feelings any purchase in the real world by speaking them aloud. Because if he did, and if it went wrong...

"Shepard," he said, trying hard to keep his voice level. "I'm just going to go-,"

"Don't," Shepard interrupted, reaching for him. "Kaidan, I-,"

Kaidan interrupted him right back. "I need to clear my head," he said curtly, stepping out of reach.  
Shepard's mouth shut audibly, features going still in a blank mask as his hand fell nervelessly back to the bed. Realizing what he'd done, Kaidan pursed his lips over a frustrated huff of breath. He hadn't meant to do that. He needed to get the hell out of there before he made it any worse.  
Kaidan cursed himself silently as he stepped over the discarded clothing on the floor, doing up his shirt as he strode across their cabin heading for the elevator.  
He heard Shepard swear low under his breath but he didn't look back. 

By habit alone he shoved his shirt back into his waistband as he marched into the elevator. He focused on the question of where to go as a distraction from thinking about the look on Shepard's face. He wasn't in the mood to hide down in the space below engineering, nor did he want to run into Steve, who might look at him with knowing eyes and want to talk. Hesitating only briefly, he reached out, hitting the control for deck three. There were more people on deck three, but also the most options.  
He knew he couldn't go bunk in crew quarters. He definitely didn't want the extra talk that sleeping there would spark on the ship. Using one of the sleep pods would be just as bad.  
He also knew he couldn't stay up all night pacing the halls or doing PT or working. Oh, there was plenty of work to get done, but he needed sleep. Nobody did their job right when they were sleep deprived, and lives depended on him being at his best. 

When the doors slid open he stepped out and paused. He considered going to the medbay to claim a headache and ask Chakwas for some pills so he could sleep on a med-table. But he was much better at pretending he _wasn't_ in pain, than pretending he was. Chakwas wouldn't buy it for a minute. Nor did he particularly want another reminder of whatever it was Shepard potentially wasn't saying.

The lounge to his right was out for obvious reasons. Daniels and Donnelly were busy working on some tech in life support. That left the starboard observation lounge to his left. He didn't particularly want to go there. He'd spent too many hours there thinking, back when he first came back onboard. Some of it trying to work out his feelings for Shepard. 

For right now, though, in there he could sit in a recliner, open a book, and if anyone found him they'd just think he'd fallen asleep reading and nobody'd had the heart to wake him. No gossip or concerned friends wanting to help. It would do just fine. He marched toward it with grim determination.

But when the doors opened to the starboard observation, and he saw the vast emptiness of the stars and the void between them, he froze. Despite all his efforts to stay calm and controlled, a wave of emotion crashed into him again. 

"Shit," he hissed under his breath, hand coming up to cover his mouth in a rough grip as he screwed his eyes shut and choked back the panic and grief that welled up inside his chest. Suddenly there was clarity in his thoughts.  
This was the wrong thing. He was making a huge mistake.  
There was only one place he wanted to be.

 

When the door to their cabin swished open, for a moment, Shepard didn't move. Kaidan came into the dimmed room a few paces, but drifted to a halt. It was like a punch in the gut, the way Kaidan felt the sight of Shepard sitting on the edge of their bed, elbows on his knees, his face in his hands.  
Sitting on Kaidan's side of the bed.

His briefs were back on, trousers in a pile between his feet as though he'd been about to pull them on but instead let them fall. Then slowly Shepard dropped his hands and stood, glancing somewhere in the vicinity of Kaidan's feet before moving towards the living-room desk on the pretense of picking up a datapad. Giving Kaidan space, leaving an open trajectory to the bed. But the datapad just sat there in his hand and he just stared at the desk as Kaidan's footsteps sounded down the steps. 

Kaidan didn't head toward the bed. His vector angled right for Shepard. He strode towards him and kept striding until his chest came right up against Shepard's back and he could curl his arms around Shepard's torso. He shut his eyes and burrowed his face against the taut muscle of his shoulder and neck. He heard Shepard's breath hitch on an inhale, felt the slight tremor in his rigid body.  
Kaidan let out a slow and ragged breath and touched John's neck with a faint brush of lips. Then he rested his cheek on John's shoulder and just held him tightly. After a moment, John's hands came up to cover his, holding him in return. When he'd taken another deep shaky breath Shepard shifted his weight ever so slightly back against Kaidan, leaning into him. Slowly the terrible tension in his body began to ease.

There was silence, just the sound of their breathing, and the hum of the Normandy. He didn't say anything, didn't offer explanations, or demand Shepard spill whatever it was he was hiding, or do anything at all besides hold him.  
Because he realized that while he didn't _get_ it, he didn't _have_ to. Everything he needed was right there in his arms.

Eventually he turned his hands over and slipped them palm to palm with Shepard's. He squeezed them firmly, then stepped back a little, pulling slightly to bring John along with him - if he was willing. Shepard came, turning to him, slowly bringing his eyes up to look at him. It hurt like hell, seeing the mixture of pain and wariness and hope in his gaze. Kaidan lifted a hand to brush over his cheekbone, cupping his jaw and rubbing a thumb faintly below his eye. Shepard's hand covered his as he leaned into the touch. Kaidan took John's other hand and brought it to his lips, kissing his palm.

They stood like that for a moment before they both let their hands drop in unspoken accord. Kaidan stepped back and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching down to undo his boots. He kicked them off, then started on his shirt, glancing up at John as he did so. Shepard just stood, motionless, watching him with unreadable eyes. He peeled back the fabric and tossed it towards the closet, just like Shepard had done earlier. His socks followed, and then he stood again to undo his trousers. He gazed over at John as he did so, but there was no lasciviousness in his gaze as he stripped off the last bits of his clothing.  
He was bare. Unprotected. He stood before John thus, hands open and loose at his side. He made no move to touch him again. Nor did Shepard.  
After a long, still moment, John nodded slowly, face solemn. He reached up and slipped his fingers into the waistband of his own black briefs, tugging them down over his hips and kicking them aside. Then he too was bare, standing just a few feet away, gazing at him in the darkness.  
Shepard reached out, taking Kaidan's hand. He knelt on the bed, drawing Kaidan along after him. They crawled up to the top and pulled the covers down, sliding underneath. They lay opposite each other, hand still clasped between them.

The cabin was dark, but the faint glow of the blue-shift emissions left enough light to see each other's faces. They gazed at each other, still silent. Kaidan lost track of time passing. But they looked, and _saw_ each other. It felt like coming home. Though there were still things that weren't tracking between them, they were both trying, both listening for each other's frequency. And when it came right down to it, that was all Kaidan needed.

______________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. This chapter got a little emotionally tangly. I can't tell if it's good that way or not...


	5. We Good?

For once, Kaidan was the first to wake. Neither of them had moved in their sleep. He could feel their fingers tangled together. When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Shepard's face, fully relaxed in sleep in a way it never was when he was awake. 

A good night's sleep had gone a long way towards softening all the sharp edges of everything he'd been feeling and making him feel more than a little foolish over the whole thing. For a long time he stayed where he was, just watching Shepard sleep. 

He heard the change in John's breathing. His eyes were still closed as he started to come out of his sleep and turned slightly, laying flat on his back. Kaidan followed him over, propping himself up above his lover and dropping his head to touch a kiss to the corner of his mouth. His head turned into the kiss even as Kaidan lifted his head again. John's hand quested under the covers till it touched Kaidan's splayed hand on the bed beside him.

"Hey," John said, blinking up at him sleepily.

"Hey," Kaidan replied, smiling softly.

"Hmm," Shepard murmured, letting his eyes drift closed for a moment, fingers tracing the shapes of Kaidan's hand idly. John took a deep breath and sighed, blinking his eyes open more clearly. "So," Shepard began, then paused, eyes focusing on his face and arms sliding up to wrap around his ribcage. His blue eyes searched Kaidan's for a long moment before he continued. "Are we good?"

Kaidan cast him an apologetic look. "Yeah. We're good, Shepard."

"That's good," he replied, mouth quirking into a flirty grin as his hands quested lower over Kaidan's back. "'Cause I-," he paused abruptly, hands freezing in their downward movement. If Kaidan hadn't know him so well he might have missed the hesitation. Shepard blinked, then abruptly changed what he was about to say. "I want us to be good," he finished, hands slipping back up to come to rest on his waist. 

Kaidan winced internally, realizing what had Shepard shying away. That wouldn't do at _all_.  
"Shepard," he said firmly, letting his weight come down more fully onto his lover, drawing his full gaze. "We're _good_ ," he said, sliding their bodies together blatantly and letting John feel the truth of his words by the growing hardness at his hips.

John heaved a taut sigh of relief, wrapping his arms more tightly around Kaidan's torso. "Ok. Ok good." He lifted his head to kiss Kaidan firmly, rocking his hips slightly against him, demonstrating his reaction in kind.

"Mmm," Kaidan replied against his mouth, running his palms up the sides of Shepard's body. Kaidan settled his hands on either side of Shepard's shoulders for leverage and leaned into him, pushing his head back against the pillow as his lips spread and his tongue slipped into Shepard's mouth. He arched his back, gliding his cock slowly along the length of Shepard's own hardness. He repeated the slow motion of his hips, Shepard's hands slipping down over his body to fondle the curve of his backside. He settled his hands on Kaidan's hips, letting them ride along with the slow rocking motion Kaidan enacted as his tongue warred with his lover's.

The friction was so tantalizing and torturously light, growing faintly stronger as they both grew fully hard. Kaidan could feel the throbbing pulse of the thick vein that ran along the underside of Shepard's cock, beating against his own as he rubbed them together. He could feel the bead of precum smearing from his tip as he drew his hips back, and the slickness it left behind as he rocked forward again. 

He felt Shepard's hand lift away from his body and grasp the fabric of the coverlet that draped over Kaidan's back, dragging it to one side till is slipped from his body and exposed their warming bodies to the cool air. Kaidan lifted his head, breathless as he broke the kiss. John looked up at him with heavy-lidded eyes and that slow smile before his gaze traveled down the taut length of Kaidan's chest to watch him grind them together.

His hand moved back to Kaidan's hips, then slid down between them to touch Kaidan's erection. Kaidan let out a shaky breath as Shepard's fingers glided over him, smearing his fingers in the dewy beads at the tip. He thrust himself against Shepard's palm, his cock flexing as he pushed against the firm hand that covered him. Shepard's hand opened wider, drawing Kaidan's length with it as his thumb slipped between his own cock and abdomen, pushing the both of them together in the curve of his grip.  
Shepard's other hand slipped down from Kaidan's hips to complete the circuit, both broad palms spread over their cocks, squeezing firmly. His hands began working over them, at first keeping pace with Kaidan's hips, then accelerating steadily as Kaidan's pace began to falter. 

Kaidan moaned breathlessly as Shepard twisted his wrists, dragging at them at a tight angle, squeezing and pulling their flesh together. His pace stalled altogether, and Kaidan shifted his weight slightly onto one arm, taking his free hand down the flexing curve of Shepard's arm, then down over his stroking hands, adding his grip momentarily before he reached further down to where the weight of his balls was nestled against Shepard's. He cupped the both of them, rolling the four round shapes together between his fingers. It was Shepard's turn to groan, his hands moving even faster over them.

Kaidan's body was trembling with sensation and the effort of maintaining the position. Shepard was breathing hard, eyes bright as he watched his hands work. Abruptly he tipped his head back on a choked breath, moaning again. And then his abdomen was tightening, his hips thrusting forward involuntarily up against Kaidan. He gasped as the orgasm pushed through him, spilling his seed over his belly and fingers. Kaidan groaned as he felt the pulse of the eruption through the taut skin of Shepard's cock pressed tight against his own. He watched Shepard's pleasure-flushed face as he let himself follow suit, splashing himself over Shepard's skin. 

"Mmm," he murmured as Shepard dragged slow fingers through their combined cum, smearing it between them. Kaidan nuzzled his face against Shepard's, then found his mouth, kissing him gently. Shepard made a low sound of pleasure in his throat, kissing him back soundly.

Kaidan lifted his head and gazed down at John, smiling softly.

John gazed back, an answering smile on his lips.

Then Kaidan quirked a brow at him, grinning. "Last one to the shower is a dirty dog," he said abruptly, rolling sideways fast till his feet hit the deck. 

Shepard swore under his breath and sprang after him, laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shepard and Kaidan are 'good', but Shepard still has a secret.  
> Will he reveal it to Kaidan? Or will he be able to distract Kaidan from the issue with more sexytimes, or fail and spark more problems?  
> What do you think?


	6. The Problem

Shepard had a problem.

The question wasn't whether he _wanted_ to do it. It had never been that, because the answer was a resounding yes and always had been.  
The problem was whether he _should_. Whether it would be the right thing for Kaidan.

But he was running out of time to make his decision. He knew Kaidan was perceptive. The way Kaidan had looked at him the night before... 

Yeah. He had a problem. And as it turned out, help wasn't easy to come by.

He'd tried talking it over with Karin. She'd known the two of them the longest out of everyone aboard the Normandy.  
She'd listened carefully. Asked some good questions, brought up some points he hadn't yet considered. But when it came down to it, she'd said, looking up at him with those bright green eyes, she didn't have the first clue about these sorts of things. Not that he'd been expecting the Doc to kiss it and make it all better. Well maybe a little. But truth be told, she was a bit of a pessimist. More than John was willing to be, even though he'd seen as many good soldiers die senselessly as she had.

While Garrus was his best friend, and someone whose opinion Shepard valued highly, John was fairly certain this particular conversation would be one neither of them would enjoy. If asked for his opinion, Garrus would probably just stare at him sardonically and then make some witty remark about how turians did such things. Or duck his head awkwardly with mandibles stiff against his face and claim he had some calibrations to work on. 

He knew there was one person he could trust with the secret, since she made dealing in secrets her business. But Liara, despite the maturity she'd grown into the past few years, had neither the experience, nor the context to offer any help, especially considering how asari culture had an inevitably unique set of perspectives on the matter. A species that lived nearly a millennium wouldn't really understand why he was reluctant to risk putting Kaidan through a further loss. To them, that was part of their life. 

He considered (if only for the mental image) asking Joker just to see the panicked look on his face when he realized Shepard was serious, and then the awkward scrambling to come up with some sort of reply. Because there would be no way Joker could keep things quiet, and Jeff would be well aware of that. Torn between loyalty and his insatiable need for gossip and trolling... thus the look of panic. Shepard grinned faintly at the thought, but then it faded. Actually, Jeff might have something to say that would help. In fact, John was fairly certain that he'd get the sort of discussion he was looking for from Joker. But it wasn't an option. 

He'd run down the list. There were clear reasons why even his closest friends couldn't be of help this time.

Still, Shepard was a little bit surprised when he found himself in the empty cargo bay, sitting on the requisitions console, waiting. Steve Cortez hadn't been there with him since the beginning. He hadn't been someone Shepard had known for years.   
But when he thought about it, he'd grown close friends with Steve in a short time. More than just the closeness that war brought between comrades. They'd had real conversations, ones that meant something. Rare enough in such fraught times.   
And then there was the big thing. The obvious thing. Yeah, when he thought about it, it was surprising he hadn't come here sooner.

"Hey, Loco!" James said as he and Cortez stepped off the elevator.

Shepard tipped his chin up in acknowledgement.

"Commander," Steve said, heading over directly. "Good to see you," he added with a smile and a searching look. Shepard returned the smile though he knew it was a much tenser expression on his face. Steve nodded slowly, hands in his pockets as James made his way directly to the weapons bench nearby, absently whistling a tune under his breath.

Shepard scrubbed a hand over the back of his head as Steve chuckled faintly, then rolled his eyes at the lieutenant's back. Cortez cleared his throat loudly, and James cast a curious look over his shoulder at the pilot. His eyes darted between the two of them, who were looking back at him silently with raised eyebrows. He grinned.  
"You know what? I just remembered I have an appointment with Sam. She wants me to teach her how to shoot better," he said, tossing down the shotgun he'd picked up and grabbing a pistol off the bench.

"Where-,"

"Just trust me," James interrupted with a smirk. "I've got it covered."

"Don't break my ship!" John growled, fixing the lieutenant with a playful glare.

James lifted his hands in mock surrender as he stepped onto the elevator.

When the doors closed behind him, Steve turned back to face Shepard, crossing his arms and looking at him with a raised eyebrow. "So, spill."

John heaved a sigh, scrubbing his hands over his face. "That obvious, huh?" he said, grinning self-deprecatingly. 

"Everything all right?" Steve said, voice quiet and concerned. 

"Yeah," Shepard replied automatically. Then he sighed, rolling his eyes at himself. "And no. No not really. I wanted to talk to you about something. Something… important."

Steve laughed, "as if we ever have anything not important to discuss." But nevertheless he glanced consideringly back at the cargo bay windows to deck four. He nodded, then gestured with his head towards the shuttle. "C'mon, I've got some diagnostics to run and you can tell me what's on your mind."

Shepard hopped off the console and followed Cortez over to the docked shuttle. They filed into the cockpit, Steve taking his usual place, lighting up the computer and opening a diagnostic window. Shepard settled into the co-pilot's chair, propping one leg against the dashboard. Steve maintained an easy silence while he waited for Shepard to speak, tapping away at the initial diagnostic commands. The hum of the Normandy was a faint companion to the occasional beep from the console.

"So," Shepard began finally.

"So," Steve replied, voice filled with his characteristic easy warmth.

"You got married," John said.

Steve paused, hands hovering over the console. He turned a grin on the commander. "Oh."

"Yeah." Shepard smiled faintly in response. 

"Well now… that I did," Steve said, sitting back slowly in his chair. He looked at Shepard with raised brows and that knowing look of his. "That I did," he repeated with a low chuckle. 

"Yeah. And…" John hesitated, pursing his lips and staring down at the deck. He glanced away, rubbing his thumb under his lower lip before dropping his forearms back to his knees, fingers tangled together as he gnawed on his lower lip.

The smile on Steve's mouth faded slightly. "And I lost him," he finished gently. 

John pursed his lips, looking down at his hands. "Yeah."

Steve nodded slowly, knowingly. "Ah," he said quietly.

He sighed. "Steve, I hate to ask this-," he began. 

"Hey, you can ask me anything, Shepard. It's ok," Steve said firmly.

Shepard nodded, still frowning at his fingers. He took a breath then asked his question.  
"Would losing Robert have been easier for you if he hadn't been your husband?"

"Wow," Steve said, blowing a tight breath between pursed lips as he turned away. He tapped at the diagnostics screen a little, shaking his head absently. "You do pick the tough ones, don't you?"

"Yeah. Sorry, that's-,"

"No. No, it's fine," Steve replied, glancing at him with a faint smile. "I'm just going to have to think about it a little." 

"Sure." Shepard nodded. Steve continued working at the console in silence as he mulled over the question.

"You've been giving this a lot of thought," Steve said, glancing at him briefly.

Shepard laughed faintly. "Yeah. I can hardly think of anything else lately. And it's starting to become a problem," he added with a wry grimace, thinking back to the strange quasi-argument he'd had with Kaidan the night before.   
"It's like I have this need to make it… I don't know, to…" he laughed at himself, shaking his head and sitting back in his chair. "Yeah, damnit, to be his husband."

Steve grinned. "I think it makes it into something that's forever. Robert was my husband, and nothing, not the reapers, not time, not even if I meet someone else, will change that. So yeah, I know exactly what you mean."

Shepard nodded, looking relieved to finally share that understanding with someone. "Thing is, the odds of me surviving this war…" Shepard sighed. "I love him _so_ much. But making a promise like that when… well, we all know the chances of me making it though to keep it." 

Steve looked at him, mouth shaped into a bitter-sweet smile. "Yeah. I hear you," he said. He didn't argue with Shepard, didn't deny the fact that Shepard was not likely to be the one to outlive Kaidan in all of this. No platitudes. No bullshit. He mulled it over for a few minutes, adjusting the shuttle's readouts.  
"I hear you," he repeated, "But," he said, leaning forward to put his elbows on his knees and look over at Shepard. "It's also something to hope for. To fight for. A promise to each other that there are important things to come. Maybe they aren't the same kind of important as saving the galaxy, but they are powerful. Life-changing."

The look on Shepard's face was almost wistful as he stared at the blank screens of the cockpit, then the edged of his features softened as he chased the dreams and promises in his mind's eye, if but for a moment. It was so beautiful it hurt.  
"So in answer to your original question. Would it have been easier for me now, without those promises?" Steve said, blinking his eyes against the prickle of moisture. His voice was tight with emotion as he continued. "Yeah. I think so."

Shepard dipped his head. He remembered the pain he'd seen Steve suffering, the tears that ran down his face even as he tried not to let it show. The way he'd worked himself to exhaustion just to avoid having time to think. To remember. Truly a double-edged sword.

"But you know what?" Steve said firmly, drawing Shepard's gaze again. He met his eyes and held them, face bearing a raw sort of honesty. "It was worth it. Every bit."

Shepard gazed at him silently, pale blue eyes as vulnerable as the pilot had ever seen them. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Steve replied.

He nodded slowly. "Thanks," he said, heaving a deep sigh and cracking a grin over his features.

"Any time," Steve replied with sincerity.

John scrubbed his hands over his face, sniffing roughly as he stood. Steve rose as he did, and when Shepard lifted his arms Steve embraced him with a deep hug. 

"Thanks," he repeated. "You've helped a lot. I just... don't want to hurt him."

"I know. But somehow I think he'll be able to handle it," Steve replied, giving him a firm squeeze.

As he spoke there was the sound of light footfalls on the shuttle's decking. They halted abruptly. 

 

"Shepard," Kaidan's voice said.


	7. Tangential function

"I just... don't want to hurt him," he heard Shepard say as he stepped onto the shuttle. His heart rate spiked. They were talking about him. Talking about whatever Shepard had been hiding from him. He just felt it.

"I know. But somehow I think he'll be able to handle it," Steve replied.

When he came around the corner into the doorway to the cockpit, John was in Steve's arms and returning the deep hug. Kaidan stopped. "Shepard."

John caught sight of him in his peripheral vision and eased back as Kaidan spoke.

Kaidan took a jerky half-breath before continuing in a neutral voice. "Been looking for you. Crewman Huynh has a new simulation for you to check out. I'd like to get your opinion as soon as possible so we can decide whether to implement it."

"I'll come now," Shepard said, looking apprehensive.

Kaidan nodded firmly, then glanced at Steve, who was gazing at him with a careful mild pleasantness. "Lieutenant," Kaidan said with a nod, and then turned and strode out of the shuttle.

"Kaidan," he heard John call after him as the commander trotted out of the shuttle behind him.

Kaidan didn't respond as he crossed the deck to the elevator. He pursed his lips to keep other expressions from forming on his features.

"Kaidan!" Shepard repeated more firmly, coming up beside him. 

"Yes, Shepard?" he replied, raising an eyebrow at his lover. Shepard stepped closer, reaching a hand towards his arm, but Kaidan stepped out of reach as the elevator doors whooshed open and allowed him room to step onto the car.  
John followed him in and Kaidan promptly punched in the deck-2 destination. Kaidan leaned back against one of the walls of the elevator, gazing at Shepard expectantly.

"It's not what you think," he began, stepping closer to Kaidan.

"Isn't it?" Kaidan interjected, eyes narrowing slightly. He crossed his arms, bending one knee to put the flat of his foot against the elevator wall behind him. It was not a welcoming pose.

"No. I mean-,"

"Were you and the lieutenant talking about me, about _us_?" Kaidan asked, voice holding little inflection other than the careful emphasis on the final word. 

Shepard frowned, hesitating. Kaidan could almost see the gears turning in John's head as he replayed his conversation with Steve, and what Kaidan might have heard. Kaidan set his jaw and raised his eyebrows again. The elevator moved upward steadily.

"Yes," Shepard said finally, voice tight, "but-,"

"And I'm not going to ask whether you were embracing him," Kaidan continued, voice still carefully neutral. "I saw that myself." He paused, features blank before he concluded, "So, yeah, I'd - I'd have to say I'm _not_ mistaken."

John swore under his breath.

"You know," Kaidan mused, sliding a thumb over chin before crossing his arms again, "I, ah," he laughed mirthlessly under his breath, "I don't know which is a worse shock; finding you in a dark corner in another man's arms, or finding out you were talking about the private inner-workings of our relationship with him."

Shepard pursed his lips, eyes darting back and forth over Kaidan's features, trying fervently to read him. Kaidan gave no ground, keeping his face bland. Shepard lifted a hand to touch Kaidan, but thought the better of it and let his hand drop back to his side. Shepard scrubbed a hand over his mouth and turned away, pacing across the elevator car. 

"Kaidan," John said, looking slightly desperate now. The elevator came to a halt and the door opened into the quiet buzz of the CIC. Kaidan stepped out, John following again, eyes on Kaidan, the surroundings clearly not registering. Not that it probably would have mattered to him. It did to Kaidan. The major preferred a little more order than chaos in the domain of crew perceptions of the officers. 

Kaidan paused. "Listen, you go on ahead. I've already seen Jenni's presentation. I'm going to go up and get some work done. We can talk later."

"Kaidan-,"

"Later," Kaidan interrupted firmly, casting a significant glance at the busy CIC full of crew and a speculative Sam before stepping back onto the elevator.

Shepard glared dismissively at the CIC and opened his mouth to speak, but then shut it when Kaidan raised his chin and hit the control on the elevator, sending the doors whooshing closed between them.  
______

Fifteen minutes later, Shepard was perched on the stairs in the war room, elbows on his knees as he watched crewman Huynh's presentation. Or at least tried to.  
Shepard frowned at his omni-tool when it flashed once to indicate a new message. He tried to ignore it in favor of his duty, to pay attention to any and all qualified suggestions towards the war effort. Jenni was running a simulation on the war map. She had already incorporated the latest data from the newest geth war assets in ways the other analysts had never considered. It was impressive, to say the least. Important too.  
Shepard pursed his lips, then brusquely opened the readout on his arm, bringing up the faint orange glow over his forearm and the small message readout hovering in the air above it.

//From: Lt. Cortez

He was instantly crushed, though he opened it anyway since he'd already started.

//Message: Shepard, I hope everything is all right. If you want me to say anything, or just stay out of it, let me know.

Would that help? He didn't think so. He gnawed on his lip, closing Steve's message but not the interface. Should he send a message to Kaidan now so that he couldn't interrupt him? He hesitated, then slapped the interface closed with unnecessary force, palm smacking loudly against his wrist. Shepard cursed himself for acting like a teenager with some hormonally overwhelming infatuation, panicking over messages. He would talk to Kaidan when he talked to him.

When he returned his gaze to Jenni, he realized she was staring at him silently, mouth slightly ajar, and a somewhat apprehensive look on her face. She bit her lip. He swiped the scowl from his face.

"I'm sorry Jenni, can you back up a bit? I had an important message that needed my attention for a moment," he asked, smiling his best Commander Shepard smile at her.   
She smiled back, albeit a little nervously, and re-wound her presentation a few steps. She'd have needed to go back much further, though, if she were to get back to where Shepard had lost track. Still, he was able to catch on pretty quickly. 

But within moments, his thoughts were wandering again, memory thrashing over the completely flat look on Kaidan's face, so inscrutable, so distant. If he would just _listen_ to him, let him explain…

And then the sound of silence finally percolated into his thoughts. He glanced back to reality from the black-hole he'd been staring into. Jenni was standing at parade rest, staring at a point just over his shoulder, waiting. She'd asked him a question. He realized he had been glaring again and relaxed his face. 

"Jenni," he said with an embarrassed sigh. "This presentation is great. But I'm afraid I've got too many things on my mind at the moment to concentrate." He offered her a chagrinned smile, which she slowly returned. "You've already shown this to Major Alenko. Have you shown Specialist Traynor?" he asked.

"Yes sir," she said with a nod. "She was the one who suggested I bring it to you and the Major."

"Great," he said and stood, pacing around the war-map. "Forward me the details and I'll discuss it with Major Alenko and get back to you with my decision."

"But commander-,"

"It looks like excellent work. I'm very impressed," he said, trotting up the steps and out of the war-room before he'd even finished speaking.


	8. Infinite Series and Sequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long! But here is a 3000+ word chapter for you!  
> <3 for all your encouraging comments. They mean so much.

Kaidan was just walking up the steps, about to go for a shower when the door to the cabin opened. Kaidan paused, hand on the towel slung over his shoulder. John was there, looking tense. More-so when his eyes lit on Kaidan and he froze in the doorway. 

"Hey Shepard," Kaidan said nonchalantly. He smirked faintly as he saw John's attempt (key word being _attempt_ ) to avoid trailing his gaze down the bare length of Kaidan's body. Kaidan didn't stay. He continued over to the bathroom, pulling the fluffy white towel off his shoulder and tossing it onto the counter. There was a brief delay and then he heard Shepard's footfalls on the deck behind him, boots making them much louder than Kaidan's bare tread.

"You weren't gone as long as I'd thought you'd be," he called over his shoulder through the open door as he walked over to the shelves containing various bathroom items. "How was it?" he asked, rummaging around on the shelf for his shampoo.

"I cut it short," Shepard replied.

Kaidan glanced over his shoulder. Shepard had followed him in and was leaning against the open door-frame, watching him carefully, face grim.

"Huh. That's too bad," Kaidan said, then turned his gaze back to the shelves. He squinted up at the highest one and then reached for it, stretching up on his toes to grab a seldom-used soap-bar. It had been a gift from his mom, scented with the earthy tones of the northwest. Home. He liked to save it for when he… needed the reminder.   
And for the sheer tease of making Shepard watch the muscles flex in his bare backside as he reached for the high shelf. He wasn't to be disappointed. When he turned, soap in hand, Shepard's gaze jerked back up to his face.

"I thought it was a pretty good idea Jenni had worked up. What were your reservations?" Kaidan asked, walking back over to the shower alcove and propping the shampoo bottle on top of the small lip above the shower controls. 

"No, it was good. I just needed to be here," Shepard said quietly as Kaidan palmed the toggle of the shower. There was a gurgle and a hiss as the water erupted from the showerhead, splattering on the deck, reflected droplets hitting Kaidan's skin. Kaidan glanced at John, face inscrutable before turning back to the water, lifting his hands to touch the cascading water.

"Well I hate to break it to you," Kaidan said with an insouciant look as he stepped into the spray. "but I've got dibs on the shower," Kaidan said with a low chuckle. He knew he was being a bit immature, but he couldn't resist. He sighed pleasantly as the warm liquid coursed over his body.   
He ducked his head so the water soaked his hair, then tipped it back and began working the bar of soap into a lather on his chest. He cast a heavy-lidded glance over at his lover. "Though you're welcome to share."

Shepard frowned back at him, though Kaidan didn't miss the slow intake of breath as he swirled the soap lower over the ridges of his abdomen. He could see the temptation on John's face.  
But he set his jaw and steeled himself, lifting his gaze back to Kaidan's eyes. "I need to talk to you," he said.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. He was mildly disappointed that Shepard wasn't going to take him up on his offering, but he was more than a little pleased at the determination to put their relationship ahead of the sex. Well, mostly. Having John watching him as he used his hands to work the lather over his skin was doing some interesting things to his insides that he wouldn't mind expanding upon. He pursed his lips.  
"Aren't we talking right now?" 

"You know what I mean," Shepard said reproachfully. "About what happened earlier."

Kaidan glanced at Shepard, then said, "Right."   
Then he waited silently, sluicing water over his body to rinse away the suds.

"There's nothing going on between me and Steve," John said firmly.

Kaidan glanced at him. "Ok."

Shepard looked nonplussed. He stepped closer a pace, looking at Kaidan searchingly.

"We're friends, nothing more. I swear to you," he reiterated, voice thick and earnest.

"I know," Kaidan said simply, dropping the last vestiges of his façade, features relaxing a little more before ducking his head into the spray, wetting his hair again and splashing the water over his face as the suds disappeared.

"You're upset," Shepard insisted when he lifted his face from the water.

"I am?" Kaidan replied, tilting his head slightly as he picked up the soap again and considered. "No I'm not," he decided, shaking his head.

Now it was Shepard's turn to give him a look of skeptical disagreement. "You're using your soap. You use that soap when you're upset."

It warmed him to the core. The little things, the mundane details of each other's lives. They were important when that person mattered to you. Kaidan smiled down at the bar of soap in his hands as he ran it over his forearm. Shepard mattered. Kaidan mattered to Shepard. Regardless of everything else, he was certain of those two things.

"Yeah, sometimes," he admitted. "And yeah, I was a bit taken aback for a moment when I saw you hugging him."  
He glanced up at John with the edge of a quirked eyebrow and a slow twist of his lips.  
"But just for a moment," he added.   
He tipped his head to the side slightly, then said, "I know you, Shepard."  
He looked down at the soap in his hands and smiled, setting it aside. "So we're… we're good."

John breathed a sigh, then shifted, some of that tension leaking out of his body as he scrubbed a palm over his mouth. He gazed at the floor for a little while, taking a deep breath. Then he tipped his head up and looked at Kaidan for a long moment, the edges of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Kaidan returned the look, and for a moment, however brief, he felt them slide into sync. It was… good. Great. 

They held the silence for a bit, just listening to the rush of the water over the Normandy's hum. Kaidan felt his smile grow, and then Shepard leaned against the wall, gazing at him fondly.  
Kaidan grinned then. "But since we're talking, I have a question," Kaidan began, turning back to the shower a moment and rinsing the last of the soap off.

Shepard raised an inquisitive eyebrow when Kaidan turned to face him fully.  
"What, exactly, does a guy have to do to get you into the shower with him?" Kaidan demanded with a slow smirk as he leaned back against the anterior wall of the shower, letting the water cascade over his abdomen and lower as he cocked his hip slightly. Shepard's eyebrows drifted further upward in response. Kaidan rubbed one hand slowly over the washboard ridges of his belly, the other hand hanging languidly at his side, framing his pelvis to clear advantage, the half-hard length of him resting heavy against his thighs.

Shepard tracked the motion of Kaidan's hand, then cleared his throat, easing another half-step forward. "You're definitely on the right track."   
The spray of water bouncing off Kaidan's chest splashed a few drops onto the fabric of Shepard's uniform. Kaidan tipped his head back and looked down at Shepard under heavy lids. He ran the flat of his palm down over the dip of his belly-button, then lower to brush over the steadily-hardening length of his cock. 

Shepard followed Kaidan's hand with his eyes, the corner of his mouth curling in a delicious smirk, lips parting faintly over the deep breath he sucked in. Shepard moved closer, heedless of the water slapping over his uniform, soaking quickly through the light material. He lifted an arm to brace against the wall next to Kaidan's shoulder, his other hand coming up to curl around the taut curve of Kaidan's waist. He moved in, tightening his grip on Kaidan's hip as he tilted his head, brushing his lips over his lover's.

"You're sure you're not mad?" Shepard murmured.

Kaidan responded favorably, arching his back slightly to grind his hips against Shepard's.   
"Mmm-hmm," Kaidan replied. He opened his mouth as Shepard's lips teased over his own, extending his tongue to trace over the curve of Shepard's lower lip.

"You wouldn't happen to be trying to distract me with sex would you?" John murmured against his lips. 

Kaidan tipped his head back and raised an eyebrow at him. "Huh," he breathed, gazing at John with a wry and faintly belligerent expression.  
John at least had the decency to look a bit chagrinned.

"Nah," Kaidan said. "Couldn't be."  
And then the corner of his mouth twisted as his eyes traveled over John's features before he pressed forward again, slipping his hands into the edge of Shepard's waistband. He curled his fingers into the fabric of Shepard's shirt, dragging it up out of his trousers so that his hands could touch bare skin. He yanked until the fabric parted over the fine curls of hair over John's chest and the scarred spans of taut skin. His fingernails scraped against hot flesh, leaving faint marks of desire in their wake.

Shepard shrugged the shirt back and it hit the deck with a wet slap, altering the sound of the shower as the water fell on it instead of the polymer of the flooring. Water pooled and sloshed under their feet as the fabric blocked part of the drain.

Even as his hands worked at the clasp of John's trousers, Kaidan ground himself forward, finding Shepard's mouth with hot, fervent, open-mouthed kisses. Was this what Shepard had been feeling the past few days, this hunger? He pulled at the cloth impatiently, desperate to press his skin to John's. Wet fabric dragged down over taut legs, not fast enough - never fast enough for Kaidan. The strength of his need had him moaning against John's lips.

Strength. It was an important word between them, an important feeling. Strength of love, strength of trust. Being strong themselves so they were able to rely on each other's strength. Strength of purpose. Strength of _want_ … 

Shepard kicked the last of his clothing aside carelessly. It landed with a splat against the far wall. John pinned Kaidan to the wall with his hips, and then his hands splayed down over the curve of his backside. He trailed one hand down to the back of Kaidan's thigh, pulling so his leg bent at the knee and rode up to press tightly to the side of Shepard's waist. But it wasn't enough. Shepard set his hands on Kaidan's hips and lifted. His strength never ceased to amaze Kaidan. It was effortless as he braced Kaidan against the wall of the shower, his cock sliding down against Kaidan's till it slipped free and pushed between his spread thighs, Kaidan's own erection dragging up against the dip of the center line of Shepard's ab muscles, hot shower water slipping over him. Kaidan hooked his other leg around Shepard's waist, bowing his head forward to capture his lover's mouth again. His hands roamed over the short grain of Shepard's hair, the chords of muscle that stretched into his back and shoulders, flexing as he kissed Kaidan back for all he was worth.

But it wasn't enough - it was never enough. Shepard's hands slipped down around the curve of his ass, spreading his lover above his cock. Kaidan's breath stuttered against his lips as Shepard's fingers found his opening, swirling over the taut ring and then pressing into him. John ground his hips forward again, the head of his erection bumping under Kaidan's balls and pushing against his own hands curled under his lover. He drew those fingers back, letting them encompass his cock and pushing the head upwards until it flexed against the taut ring of Kaidan's ass. Kaidan moaned, tipping his head back against the wall as John slowly pushed forward, stretching him over his erection. His shoulders braced against the cool metal as he arched his back, sinking down inch by slow inch onto his lover. 

When he was fully embedded in his lover's body, John pressed his face to the cleft of Kaidan's chest, breathing uneven little gasps against his skin. Then when the sensations suddenly switched from _too-much_ back to _not-enough_ , he wrapped his arms around Kaidan's waist, pulling him tight to his chest, burrowing his face up against Kaidan's neck. Kaidan's hands curled around the back of his neck and over his shoulders, digging in as he dragged his lips over the top of Shepard's head. John's legs were braced wide for balance as Kaidan's thighs flexed where they gripped his waist. The muscles in Kaidan's abdomen tightened as he rolled his hips up, dragging himself up on Shepard's length before sinking back firmly, impaling himself on a moan.

They'd only just gotten started and already it was almost more than Shepard could handle. His words were incoherent murmurs against his skin, curses, praise, or nonsense syllables alike were branded on his flesh by Shepard's breath. Kaidan rolled his hips over every murmur, over every sigh, his heart pounding, the heat of the water combined with his exertions making him feel like liquid fire as he rode his lover.   
"John," he moaned, hips stuttering in pleasure. But he didn't let himself break, determined to push Shepard over the edge first.   
The hands on Kaidan's hips clamped down hard, interrupting his upward motion and tugging him back down. And then Shepard was pressing him back against the wall of the shower, hips lifting into him even though there was no further to thrust.   
Shepard came with a stuttering gasp, water from the shower gaping over his lips parted against Kaidan's skin. Kaidan made a pleased hum low in his throat as he gazed down at Shepard's face under dark lashes.

After a long moment he withdrew, and set Kaidan down. Kaidan's thighs were tight from his efforts, slightly unsteady as he gathered his balance. John's arms were around his waist, strength - if he needed it. There for him. Always. Kaidan leaned forward and kissed him. He was still hard - _so_ hard, his length bumping against the flat planes of Shepard's belly. Somehow he managed to resist grinding himself against Shepard's skin like a teenager. He fumbled behind him to turn off the shower. When the water stopped, he reached down, taking Shepard's hand. He led them out, dripping, into the cabin and down towards the bed. 

He pulled John's hand, guiding him up onto the sheets, pushing him back into the soft coverlet till his head settled into his pillow. He went easily, lips curved faintly as he watched his lover. Kaidan crawled over him, kneeling between his thighs which were spread in a loose-limbed pose. Shepard was growing soft now, but he lay with his hips cocked invitingly, his eyes heavy-lidded as he lifted one knee and slid a still-damp foot along the back of Kaidan's calf where it had lain beside it. Kaidan's hands lay heavy on John's belly for a moment, just feeling the rise and fall of his breath. John tipped his head to the side and smiled gently at him, dark lashes damp with the residual water from the shower. 

God it was beautiful.

Kaidan slid the flats of his palms down on either side of Shepard's hips, following the lean curves of his inner thighs, then back along the undersides of his legs, collecting loose droplets of water that had beaded on the hairs. His fingers brushed over the hard angles of Shepard's ass, then closer still, teasing down into the cleft and over the opening. John made a low sound of encouragement, gazing down the length of his body into Kaidan's eyes. His own eyes were bright and mesmerizing like the blue glow of biotics they both could call to life, pupils blown out with satiated desire. 

Kaidan bent to press a kiss to John's solar plexus, then reached for the bottle of lube on the bedside table. He slickened his length quickly, the skin sensitive and taut with the anticipation of the tantalizing pleasures so close before him. He pushed up on the knee Shepard had lifted, driving it further up towards his chest, spreading him into a wanton position. Shepard's chin lifted as well, body splayed for his lover. The sight sent a rush of sensation through Kaidan's chest. Not so long ago Shepard had hardly been comfortable laying himself open to Kaidan so blatantly. But he had trusted Kaidan, had laid himself bare. They had both reaped the rewards that night, and more forever after. 

Running short on restraint, Kaidan brushed the slickened head of his erection against the cleft of his backside, finding the taut ring of muscle, smearing the lubricant there before he began to lean forward. He could have brought himself to completion with just a few strokes of his hand, or grinding against him, but he wanted, he _needed_ to bury himself inside his love. To take and return that trust, that strength. 

Shepard made a low sound of pleasure as Kaidan slid inch by inch past the taut entrance and rubbed along inside him. Kaidan knew he wouldn't last long, not with how hard he was, and how tight John was. Not considering the way he could still feel the after-effects of riding Shepard so thoroughly with each motion of his hips. Not with the look on John's face as he sighed out the sensation of Kaidan sliding into him. 

The cycling air aboard the Normandy was chill against their damp skin, but that didn't matter. Nothing mattered but the slide of skin over skin, the sharing of breath and the reflections in each other's eyes. Shepard's thighs pressed tightly against his ribcage, drawing him deeper still. He rolled his hips against Kaidan's adding even more friction. Kaidan swore under his breath, head bowing forward as his abs clenched. John grinned and repeated the motion, making a sound of appreciation low in his throat that had Kaidan groaning in response as he thrust hard forward once, twice, and three times, finding home in his lover's body. He shuddered as he spilt himself over the edge.  
No, he hadn't lasted long, but the experience was part of them now, and _that_ would last forever. He pressed his face against John's skin, cooling his hot cheek against the slightly cooler muscle of his chest. John's hand brushed over his cheekbone.

They lay tangled in each other's arms.   
Kaidan with his head on John's chest, listening to his heartbeat gradually slow back down to a resting pace. Shepard's broad palm lifted and splayed over Kaidan's heart, feeling a similar flurry beneath his ribs. Eventually, John grabbed at the rumpled sheet with the toes of one foot and then kicked the edge up to where he could grip it with his hand. He dragged the fabric over them, a simple shield against the cool air, and wrapped his arms tight around Kaidan, tipping his head down to press his lips to the crown of Kaidan's head. 

"Kaidan," Shepard began, voice low and soft.

"Hmm?" Kaidan murmured in response, tipping his head back slightly so he could gaze up at John's eyes, their infinite tangled depths.

John opened his mouth to speak but the words never made it out. The Normandy lurched suddenly, the artificial gravity struggling to keep up with what was unmistakably a tight Joker-style insane turn. They skidded to one side of the bed.

"Commander," EDI's voice called into the room. "We have proximate reaper contacts."

"On our way," John replied as the ship lurched again coming out of the hard turn.

They rolled with the motion, slipping their limbs apart and scrambling for balance, then clothing, and then the door.


	9. Laplace transformations

Kaidan was generally always pretty pissed at the reapers, but right about then he was really, really pissed. They'd been in such a good place and he hadn't wanted to leave.

But of course, war waited for no one, and they spent the next several hours outrunning reaper ships and attempting to cut through what was now apparently reaper-controlled space and make it to their target. A research lab hidden inside an asteroid near a carcass of a reaper, ready to provide crucial intel but gone dark either because of an attack or out of precaution.

So Kaidan was pissed, but he was ready, waiting patiently in the shuttle across from Shepard. Shepard looked none too pleased either, but when he locked eyes with Kaidan from time to time, his face would still and soften. Whatever had been wrong was not wrong any more, and Kaidan had faith that it wasn't going to be long now before Shepard found the words to say what he'd been working up to.

That didn't stop him from pointedly saying, "We're not done with that conversation," before latching on his helmet in anticipation of the low atmosphere region.

Shepard huffed a faint laugh and shook his head, pulling on his own helmet and tossing Kaidan an okay sign as he sat back against the jump harness.

Kaidan found it rather amusing to watch Steve check back through the open hatch far more frequently than usual. Liara and Garrus were busy discussing where they might find important data and get access to any security systems upon arrival.

But eventually, he gave up on watching anything else but Shepard's eyes across from his, just visible through his visor. This was their playground, their job, their home. This was their life, and it was worth every moment.

It wasn't long before they flew into the large cavern leading to the base's entrance, and it was immediately clear that all was not well. The airlock had been blasted open and there were bodies near the entrance. A pair of small transports marked with one of the more obscure mercenary sigils were waiting near the entrance, but with the reaper presence so heavy, they were as trapped as the researchers had been.

They'd all known each other for so long now, it was easy, slipping out of the shuttle and into the damaged building. Guarding each other's flanks while Garrus hacked into the system, combining his biotic skills with Liara's to wreak havoc on the puny matter of murderous mercs. It didn't even feel that dangerous, racing through the narrow corridors and clearing the bland, modular rooms. It was methodical, silent save for the intermittent weapons-fire and shouting enemies, punctuated on their end only by the occasional terse communication.

It was a dance, smooth and intertwined around the melodies of battle that live in their very souls, and theirs is a song of triumph.

When they got to the data core, there are more bodies, those of heroes who had given their lives to protect their work the best they could. The secured door had held, despite the mercenaries' apparent attempts to breach. Now the doors opened easily at Shepard's behest, his spectre status breaking the seal. The core had been preserved, and whatever data they had recovered would not be gathered in vain. The crew of the Normandy had it now and would carry the beacon forward.

Garrus and Liara set to work, promising they'd be quick, but explaining that it was probably going to take some time. Shepard gave them the go-ahead and then communicated the update back to Cortez before sealing the data core doors again to guard their back and repressurize the room. 

"So, looks like we got lucky today," Kaidan said, teasing with an edge of innuendo.

"Yeah," Shepard murmured in reply, flashing him a faint grin before he moved away, distracted as he started to pace along the perimeter of the room once more, making triply sure there was nothing about to take their luck south.

Kaidan headed the other way, checking the room carefully, going back to check on Liara and Garrus again just to be sure everything was underway safely. They each paced their route a few times, and then, when it became clear that there really was nothing left to deal with but waiting, they made their way back to the guard room that was the sole entrance to the data core to wait. 

Then, finally, Shepard turned to Kaidan, pulling off his helmet now that they were secure again.

"So here's the thing," Shepard began, popping out the partially-used heat-sink and slamming home a fresh one. His voice was nonchalant, like any time he started up battle-field chatter. But something about the way Shepard was holding himself pulled Kaidan's full attention.

"You remember that night two months ago when you asked me if there was anything else I was wondering about?"

Kaidan paused for a second in the middle of seating a fresh heat sink. Then when it was clear Shepard wasn't speaking rhetorically and was actually waiting for his answer, he felt his face soften and he turned up the corner of his mouth. "Yeah. And I always will."

John heaved a tight breath at that, the edges of a smile ghosting over his lips as he glanced briefly at their surroundings, checking the perimeter. "Well, there was something else I've been thinking about. Something I've been wanting to ask you." 

"Yeah, I kinda figured," Kaidan said and finished reloading. He just looked at him, his Commander, his love, waiting.

Shepard nodded to himself, taking a breath before he said, "When this is all over, where do you see yourself?"

"Where?" Kaidan repeated, raising an eyebrow at the seemingly mild and incongruous question. But Shepard had that dead-serious expression on his face. 

And then Kaidan realized that the question wasn't "where should we vacation?" or "think we'll still be Spectres?" In fact, "we" wasn't there at all. Kaidan gazed at him with narrow eyes for a moment. 

"Where do I see myself?" he murmured raising an eyebrow. "Well now." He holstered his pistol and glanced around. He lifted his hands and put a thoughtful expression on his face, moving closer to Shepard. 

"Hmm, let's see," he mumbled sotto voce as he mimed measuring the space beside him, adjusting his distance in close so they were shoulder to shoulder. 

"I think… yes, that's it." He scuffed his feet on the deck a little, settling into his position. "Yep. Right about… there," he concluded, slipping his hand into Shepard's and finally lifting his gaze to John's. 

"I'm asking seriously Kaidan, about the future," Shepard says, voice a little gruff.

Kaidan raised his eyebrows defiantly, pursing his lips. "And that's my answer. One hundred percent, so don't you doubt it for even a second. This is it, right here, you and me," he said, tightening his hand in Shepard's.

"I'm asking because… because what I'm really asking you," he said, brow furrowed as he gazed down at their hands. He ran his thumb over Kaidan's, then looked up at him.

And Kaidan knew what Shepard was asking.

And he knew that Shepard saw his answer in his eyes.

But it needed to be said aloud anyway. The vibrations created by the sound of the question needed to be formed, to be brought into the universe so that Kaidan and Shepard could be joined by them, could come together and slide in sync with their rhythms, with each other.

John looked at him with love, with faith and hope and said, "Will you marry me?"

 

And Kaidan stood beside him, held his hand and said, "Yeah. Yeah, I will."


End file.
